Ranma Ichibunnoni
Episode Nine
"The Frying Pan and the Fire."
* * *
Ryoga was doomed.
Three words which, when combined in just the right way,
spelled out his future (1).
At first, Ryoga had just wanted to beat Ranma in a fight. He
had followed Ranma to China after he'd skipped out of their man-to-
man fight. All the way to Jhusenkyou. It hadn't been easy, and
he'd been many months behind his quarry, but he'd managed to do it.
But when he got there, exhausted and nearly starved, a girl and a
panda had rushed by, knocking him down through the air into the
pools down below.
That was when Ryoga had woken up, splashing and drowning,
knowing Hell. He had become a little black piglet.
If that wasn't bad enough, he had to return to Japan with that
curse. He had nearly been eaten half a dozen times. Just the
thought of pork made him ill. But that wasn't all, or even the
worst of it.
He'd had to face angry farmers, lovesick pigs, porcine mothers
who'd wanted to adopt him, cruel children who had tried to kill him
and even poachers out for an easy dinner. He'd had to return to
Japan, without money, unable to swim back in the cool waters of the
ocean. He eventually boarded a ship en route to his homeland, but
without money he had had to demean himself by travelling on board
ship as a pig.
But he *had* returned home. And he'd learned to deal with his
curse, as best he could. And he'd beaten Ranma! Ranma had been
unconscious after their fight. Even if it wasn't exactly the way
Ryoga envisioned it, he'd beaten his old rival. Even if Ranma
denied it wholeheartedly, as he did. No matter. Ryoga knew who
was better. But rather than feeling fulfilled, his thirst for
vengeance had increased. No matter how much he hurt Ranma, he
could never get back any of his own happiness.
But then he'd met Ranko. Ranko Saotome. The name made him
sigh. Such a sweet, innocent young thing. She was cursed, just
like him! And he could tell she was lonely...lonely, but too proud
to admit it. He understood her--there was nobody else in the world
who could say they really knew what pain Jhusenkyou brought to its
victims. But he understood all too well.
And...she liked him! She had told Ranma she thought he was
cute! And that he had a good head on his shoulders. And Ranma
said that she loved him! It was like a dream come true for him.
But that dream was about to be cruelly shattered, just like the
rest of his dreams.
How would she react when she found the pig she'd met and
befriended so innocently was him? What could he possibly say to
her? He had had plenty of opportunities to flee, to run away. He
had let himself be seduced by her voice, her pretty eyes. Her
*kiss*. He could still feel his nose tingling where she'd kissed
him. He could still close his eyes and remember that moment
vividly in his mind. And now he was going to pay the price for
that memory.
A little piggy tear made its way past his still tightly-shut
eyelids and he feverishly said goodbye to his heart, his hopes, and
his dreams.
And to Ranko Saotome.
(1) And which, if you arranged them in other ways, become
nonsensical.
* * *
Ranko plunged her hand downwards.
Then all of a sudden her hand stopped in midair. Ryo-chan
waited fatalistically for the sudden splash of hot water, her
scream--but neither came.
"Wait...that wouldn't be right," said Ranko hesitantly. "If
Ryo-chan's a male, it wouldn't be right for us to bathe together,
now would it?"
Ryoga thanked every god he could think of. What a sweet,
wonderful, sensitive, marvellously empathic girl she was!
Ranko put Ryo-chan down beside the tub. She stepped into the
hot water herself, relaxing as soon as the water covered her. She
put her chin on her hand and gazed out over the edge. "Well...I
guess..." she said, "Oh, I don't know what to do." She sighed
heavily. Then she had to smile at herself.
"Why am I getting so concerned over a little pig?" she asked
herself rhetorically. Ryo-chan squealed. She smiled. "Ah, of
course," she said teasingly. "My Ryo-chan's much more than a mere
pig. He's my Ryo-chan! (1)"
She sighed. "But that still doesn't solve the problem with
what to do about you while I'm in the bath," she said. Then she
realized she was talking to an empty room.
"Ryo-chan?" she asked nervously. There was no answering piggy
squeal this time. She panicked. Then she saw a little black shape
walking out the door into the change room.
Ranko smiled. "Such a *smart* little piggy," she said
happily.
(1) Several of my friends in Philosophy would fry me alive for
using such circular logic. Actually, now that I've taken
Philosophy, I'd fry myself.
* * *
Ryoga sat down on the cold floor. He had some thinking to do.
He didn't mind the chill in the air or the hard floor. He didn't
even mind being squashed in between bottles of shampoo, hair dye
and conditioner with a towel indignantly draped over him. Ranko
wasn't exactly the neatest of girls. No, he didn't mind that one
bit, for he was in Heaven.
How could he have missed such a perfect girl right before his
eyes? Not only beautiful and kind, but sensitive and tragically
hurt by her curse, too (1)! And by her idiot of a brother, he
added. Yes, he would still have to do something about Ranma.
After all, it was all Ranma's fault he was like this!
But...if Ranma hadn't done this to him, he wouldn't have met
Ranko...and Ranko loved her brother...how could he hurt Ranma,
then? But how could he be a man for Ranko, if he didn't fulfil his
own vow of destroying Ranma's happiness?
Ryoga got comfortable amidst the mess on the floor. He'd be
thinking for a while.
(1) Being tragically hurt by a curse is usually not considered to
be a good thing by most people. Ryoga was a little inexperienced
when it came to these things. This had something to do with the
fact that he almost never saw the same girl twice due to his rather
bad sense of direction. Otherwise, Ryoga was actually considered
something of a hunk in certain circles. He was innocent and had a
kind and warm heart, not to mention kind and warm bulging pecs.
Plus, he had those cute little fangs. What girl wouldn't fall in
love with him at first sight (2)? Besides Ukyou, Shampoo, Nabiki,
Akane, and, um, well, just about every other major female character
in the series. They're all warped, I know it.
(2) The funny part of this is, I'm not making that up. I've had
that told to me exactly by the girls at my old high school, who
seem to have formed some kind of fan club around him.
* * *
Ranko swam slowly backwards in the bath, kicking slowly,
letting her body do all the work of keeping her afloat. She closed
her eyes and relaxed, letting the water soothe her.
Such a large bath. Almost like a pool, she thought. She
missed swimming. Of course, she could still swim. When there
weren't any fish around, of course (1). But it wouldn't be as HER.
She really ought to think of a name for her other half, she
decided--she was like a completely different person in too many
ways. And that different person didn't like to swim. For some
inexplicable reason, the name 'Azusa' came unbidden into her mind.
She dove under and thrust herself up to the surface, turning
around underwater. She broke the surface without opening her eyes,
content to be alone with her thoughts. She turned onto her back
and let the waves she'd made push her around gently.
She missed Ranma. It was silly to say that--she'd seen him
only a few minutes earlier. But in some ways, in the last few
weeks he'd let her see so little of him--so little of what really
counted. Or perhaps she should say that she'd seen so *much* of
him before they came here. A lot of people had told her that two
siblings being so close to each other wasn't normal. Wasn't
healthy for them. It had started with her father over ten years
ago and ended just yesterday with Akane. It was painful every
time, though, like a fresh wound reopened in her heart. But maybe
they were right. Maybe they had reason to say the things they did.
Ranko didn't have to like it, though.
Ranko took a deep breath and dived underwater, staying down
there for as long as she could.
It didn't matter. Ranko wanted to be with her brother. She
belonged with him, deserved to be with him. Nobody else really
understood her the same way he did and nobody else understood him
the same way she did. Once, she would have said that nobody else
*could* understand him the way she did. But not now...not any
more. She never wanted anything to come between the two of them.
She would do anything--change anything--give up anything that came
in between them. She would find a way to move her soul if he said
it was touching his. But it seemed like she wasn't being given a
choice any more. Things had been taken out of her hands. And that
made her angry.
She swam up to the surface, gasping. She opened her eyes and
explored the inside of the bath.
The twins had never really had a home before. Not one they
could *call* home. They'd always been on the move. But they'd
been here for weeks, and with Ranma engaged to Akane, they weren't
expected to move out anytime soon. Akane. That name made Ranko
angry. More than angry, really. Jealous.
She tried to kick underwater. It came out slower than she
liked, but she failed to see a practical use for underwater martial
arts (2). But it was good practice--and a way to work out her
anger. She started punching under the surface.
She knew she shouldn't be angry at Akane, shouldn't be jealous
of the feelings Ranma was beginning to show for the girl, but she
was anyway. She didn't *have* to be rational. Akane was taking
Ranma away from her in an area Ranko couldn't even compete in.
Didn't *want* to compete in, for that matter. And the worst part
of it all was that Akane was doing it without even wanting to.
Akane said she didn't want Ranma, and Ranma said he didn't want
Akane, but Ranko knew better. Ranma didn't understand what was
happening, couldn't possibly understand. Heck, Ranko wasn't sure
*she* understood for that matter.
Ranko angrily kicked out, scissoring her legs as if she was
attacking a foe more real, more tangible than her fears were to
her.
She wanted her brother to be happy. And that meant that
someday she wanted him to marry and have kids and have a life like
anybody else. Someday far away! The idea of it happening now was
*wrong* in a way she couldn't put her finger on. She always knew
that she would have to get married someday, too--but having Ranma
meant that she never really *needed* to. It wasn't something she
had to do immediately. It was always something to look forward to,
far in the future, never really affecting her now. Even if she
found her fiance again, her knight in shining armour--he could
wait. She was only sixteen, and she needed time to think about
what it all meant. Just like Ranma getting married. She wanted
him to always be near her...to never give up one bit of the bond
they shared. The special love between them both that no one else
could hope to match...she wanted that to be forever. But already
it was beginning to wear thin around the edges. It was brittler
than it had been before they'd come to Nerima. Weaker in some
ways.
Ranko gave a kiai and smashed her fist into the side of the
pool. A thin trickle of blood started to pour down into the water,
turning it pink where blood and water met. Ranko didn't notice.
Nobody else had ever come between them, and frankly, she liked
it that way. She didn't need friends who would desert her and
despise her and spread rumours behind her back. She didn't need
guys who would promise to be her friend and then try to feel her
up. No, all she needed was Ranma. He was her best friend, her
confidant, her sounding board and protector, a shoulder to cry on
when she needed it. He was always there for her, her other half.
But if Ranma was to desert her...to fall in love with Akane and
forget about her...then she would be alone. All alone. How could
she balance loving him and wanting him to be happy (3)? Did she
even want to, if it meant losing him? Could she afford not to?
For Ranma? For herself?
The water was only warm now. That meant it was time to get
out. Any cooler, and it might cool off on her before she could dry
herself off. And *that* would be disastrous. Her fears could wait
another day. Another day, at least. Please let them wait. Just
one more day, she prayed. And then she got out.
(1) Fish? Why fish? Read on, and all will be explained. Really.
(2) Genma would be able to. Ranko knew from past experience not
to give her father any ideas, however. Anybody who would
voluntarily throw their son into a pit of hungry cats covered in
fish sausages was not someone you wanted to encourage.
(3) Note to hentai reading this: Incest is *not* an option here,
okay? Ranko is *not* that type of girl. And if you even so much
*think* that thought again, I'm gonna send Ranma to beat the
daylights outta you. And if that doesn't work, I'll personally
send flames your way until you repent. Repent! Repent! Repent!
* * *
Ranko got dressed quickly. She looked around for Ryo-chan and
found him hiding in a corner, fast asleep. When she picked him up,
he squealed, but didn't open his eyes. How odd. Perhaps she
*should* take him to Dr. Tofu's. She smiled. Well, if she was
losing Ranma, she had Ryo-chan now. It didn't make up for it one
bit...but it was something. Something real, something she could
hold onto physically and never let go.
She felt a tear work its way down her face and fall on Ryo-
chan. His eyes opened involuntarily. He realized she was fully
dressed and kept them open, grateful to be able to see again. And
to see her, his angel.
His angel was crying. He looked up at her sadly, saw her cry
hopelessly, her tears falling on him like a warm rain (1). He
tried to comfort her, send her sympathy, give her as much help as
he could. But he was only a pig. He started crying too. If only
he could do something! He cursed his form, cursed Ranma for making
him into this mockery of a human being.
"Oh, Ranma," she sobbed. Ranma? Ryo-chan felt angry. How
could that bastard Ranma hurt his own sister? He'd kill him! More
tears fell. Ranko sniffed, trying to make herself stop crying. It
simply wouldn't do for Ranma to see her like this. She picked up
Ryo-chan and made her way upstairs, still sniffling. She entered
their room and slipped silently into her futon, pausing only to
kiss her brother on his forehead.
"Sweet dreams, Futago-kun. Hope they're better than mine
are." She covered herself up with the blankets and quickly fell
asleep, hugging Ryo-chan in her arms next to her heart.
Ryo-chan waited until he was sure Ranko had fallen asleep
before slipping out of her arms. He walked towards the door and
pushed it open. He had a purpose now.
(1) Before anybody asks, no, her tears aren't warm enough to cause
Ryoga to transform back to his normal self.
* * *
Ranma walked downstairs, a toothbrush in his mouth. He yawned
and lazily daydreamed that school was closed today, still half-
asleep. Mornings were never his strong suit. School...closed.
Yeah, that was it, classes were cancelled. He could just go back
to sleep and--
A scream came from behind him. Ranma spun around.
Spinning around on a narrow staircase is not advised for most
people (1). It becomes even harder to do first thing in the
morning while half-asleep. And it becomes even harder yet when the
stairs have been newly-waxed by a cheerful and ever-helpful Kasumi
half an hour before. All of which meant that this was a bad move.
Ryoga woke from a sound sleep on the futon Akane had dragged
down for him last night, on the ground floor. The first thing he
heard was Ranko's scream. That woke him up, and he started looking
around, trying to remember where he was, and how he'd gotten there.
Oh, yes. Now he remembered. He'd waited until Ranko fell asleep,
and then he'd snuck out. If 'Ryoga' wasn't there when she woke up,
she'd certainly become suspicious. Of course, it had taken him two
hours to find the stairs. And another three to find his futon.
All of which meant he had gotten little sleep, and was somewhat
disoriented. Why had he woken up, again? Something to do with a
scream...a scream? He started to frantically search the room.
Ranma wobbled backwards. His arms spun in the air,
windmilling desperately. He felt himself falling back, and he
lashed out blindly. He felt his hand grab hold of the railing. He
sighed in relief as he steadied himself, slowly bringing himself
back to a balanced footing.
"WAHHH!!" wailed Ranko, coming up to the top of the stairs in
her pyjamas. "My Ryo-chan's all gone!!"
Ryoga saw Ranko. He couldn't help himself. He saw her
sadness, her loneliness. That *he* had caused. His dear Ranko,
hurt by his hand. How could he tell her he had done it all for
her? She couldn't hurt her brother, so he would do it for her!
She'd thank him one day, he knew it. She had been hurt so badly by
Ranma. He rushed upstairs to be by the side of his vision of
loveliness (2).
Ranma's mouth opened in surprise as his sister continued to
wail. Then Ryoga barged past him in his charge upstairs, knocking
Ranma to one side and inadvertently sending Ranma spinning like a
top on the smooth, waxy surface of the stairs.
"Whawhawhawhahwhawhahwhat?" cried Ranma as the room spun
around him frantically, like a mad top.
Ryoga reached the top and suddenly knelt in front of Ranko.
He took her hand and cried, "Oh, Ranko-san, I'm so sorry!!"
Akane stepped out from the bathroom, where she had been
brushing her teeth. "Mmph?" Both Ranko and Ryoga turned to her,
confused. She took the toothbrush out of her mouth, embarrassed.
"Ah, Ryoga-san? Ranko? What's wrong?"
Ranko took a deep breath. Ryoga's eyes did little pinwheels
(3). "MY RYO-CHAN'S ALL GONE!!" she screamed, waking up everybody
else on the block (4). Ryoga winced, more from the hurt in her
eyes than the ringing in his ears. Although that didn't help
either.
"All right, get the hot water out," said Akane.
"It's NOT like that!" said Ranko irritably. "Can't I show my
feelings now and again?"
Akane shrugged a bit tiredly. She was getting used to the
twins waking her up early with loud noises early in the morning,
and she wasn't particularly sympathetic any more. "So why's Ryoga
apologizing?"
Ryoga looked startled as he remembered nobody knew about his
curse. Ranko looked at him as well, confused. Then her look
turned vicious. "YEAH," she said darkly. "Why *are* you
apologizing?" She cracked her knuckles. Anybody who fooled around
with her Ryo-chan would pay!
Ryoga sweated. "Uh...because...um...I'm sorry she's in such
pain..." he stammered.
Ranko's face lost its suspicious look. "Oh, Ryoga-san.
That's sweet," she said, touching his shoulder lightly. Ryoga
nearly fainted. She looked at him closer. "Ryoga-san? Are you
feeling okay? Maybe you should still be resting."
Ryoga's nose began to bleed. He quickly covered it up with a
bandanna. "No! I'm ferfectly fine!" Ranko stared. "I mean, I'm
perpectly pine!" Ryoga's eyes crossed. "I'm ferpectly pine!"
Akane leaned against the wall, brushing her teeth. "AAAGH!! I'm
going to kill Ranma!!" cried Ryoga.
Ranko blinked. "Where did *that* come from?"
Ryoga spun around. Ranma had finally slowed down to a stop.
He dazedly wondered why the room hadn't stopped spinning, since he
had. It was sort of bobbing and lurching, and he wondered if he
could get somebody to make it stop. Maybe Nabiki. She always
seemed to be able to do the things he couldn't. He wobbled back
and forth, nearly losing his balance a dozen times or more. Then
he concentrated, managing to make everything still. He looked up,
beaming. Then a fist hit him in the chest and he fell down the
stairs, bouncing along the way.
"OW! What--ouch!--the---oof!--heck!? Uh-oh." He looked up
to see Ryoga leaping on top of him. "AAHHH!" he screamed,
scrambling out of the way on hands and knees. The floor gained a
new hole. Ryoga ran after Ranma. Akane shrugged and went back
into the bathroom.
Ranko put a hand to her head. "Hey," she said. Nobody
bothered to pay attention. She started walking down the stairs.
Ranma suddenly realized he was running away from a fight. He
stopped and turned around, berating himself. Ryoga, unprepared for
this, kept running, into the wall. He slid down it for a second
before picking himself up, only to get hit on the chin by Ranma's
well-timed kick.
"Hey," tried Ranko again, walking down the stairs. "We don't
have time for this. Would you two stop?" Neither combatant paid
any attention to her.
Ryoga got up, feeling his chin with one hand. He snarled and
launched an attack against Ranma. His target dodged, sweeping
under Ryoga with a leg-sweep that sent his foe hurtling into the
wall. This time, the wall broke.
"HEY!" yelled Ranko. "WOULD YOU TWO QUIT IT, ALREADY?!?"
Ryoga stood back up and kicked at Ranma a dozen times in quick
succession, pushing Ranma back the length of the room past Ranko.
When Ryoga came within reach, Ranko reached down and grabbed hold
of his shirt. She lifted him up in a surprising show of strength
and yelled into his face.
"I *SAID*, STOP IT!! RIGHT NOW!!"
Ryoga was taken aback. "But--but--you *hate* Ranma!" he tried
to say. "I mean, you really want to hurt him. But you can't,
so--"
Ranko cocked an eyebrow. "News to me, Ryoga-san. He's my
brother, remember? Why would I want to hurt him?"
Ranma stood up next to her. "Hey, does that mean you forgive
me?"
Ranko favoured him with a withering glare. He shrunk back.
Then her look melted, and she let go of Ryoga to gleefully grab
Ranma in a hug. Ryoga fell down onto the floor.
"Of *course* I do, you big silly!" she exclaimed. "How could
you think I could stay mad at you?"
Ranma wavered under the sudden weight of his sister curled up
in his arms. "Urg...man...you oughta go on a diet, Sis. You must
weigh three hundred pounds..."
Ranko turned red. "WHAT A THING TO SAY TO YOUR SISTER!!" she
yelled, using her unique position to good advantage as she kicked
him with both feet, flying backwards into the air.
Ranma toppled over backwards. "Kawaiikune," he gasped.
Surprisingly, Ranko was caught in midair. She looked up,
startled, into the face of Ryoga, who was looking at her oddly. "I
didn't want you to get hurt," he explained shyly, blushing.
"Uh--" she hesitated, unsure. "Thank you, Ryoga-san," she
said finally, blushing furiously herself.
Ranma stood back up. "Hey," he said flatly. "What happened
to 'I can take care of myself'?"
Ranko hopped out of Ryoga's arms. "Shut *up*, Ranma!"
He edged forward and held up a fist. "Oh yeah?" he argued.
"Make me!"
Ryoga smashed Ranma's face with his umbrella and looked at
Ranko proudly. She stared at Ranma struggling to rid his mouth of
bamboo, then back at Ryoga.
"Didn't I tell you to stop that?" she asked him angrily.
Ryoga's mouth opened, then shut again. He shrugged, then put down
the umbrella.
Akane came downstairs. "Say, Ranko," she said, "School is in
fifteen minutes. Shouldn't you get dressed?" Ranko looked down,
then back up again, in horror.
"AGH!" she yelled. "I'm gonna be late!! *AGAIN*!!"
(1) The author recommends it only for Barney the dinosaur. Of
course, Barney may not necessarily fall under the heading of
'people'. The author is sincerely hoping that Barney falls under
the heading of 'recently deceased' sometime soon.
(2) Ryoga once took a speech therapy course, trying to gain
confidence with the opposite sex. Unfortunately, the teacher was
Principal Kuno, and by the time he realized his mistake, he had
already had several lessons. Even to this day, inane phrases like
'visions of loveliness' and 'my pig-tailed goddess' spring unbidden
into his mind.
(3) This peculiar action had something to do with his lower
vantage point and Ranko's choice of pyjamas, which were flannel and
a little too small for her to begin with, being Akane's old pair
(5). As a result, her sharp intake had some very interesting
effects, most of which Ryoga was well-positioned to experience.
(4) Except for Genma, who could sleep through a nuclear explosion.
(5) The youngest Tendo daughter had been aghast at Ranko's normal
nighttime outfit of t-shirt and boxers and had pressed her own pjs
onto the protesting girl. Ranko accepted in the end because it was
the only way Akane would let her continue to sleep in the same room
as her brother, rather than on a futon with Kasumi, a fate possibly
worse than death.
End of Episode Nine